The Cantina had been booming that day. The lights and fog effects for the entertainers were more amazing then on our usual Friday rush. We hadn’t had any shootings today, and no drunken customers, not even an imperial and a rebel getting into a fight. The lights were rainbow colored, sparkling across the building. The fog was a steamy mixture of green and red. Today, for some reason, the entertainers were using holograms lasers and fire to entertain everyone. There was a rumor, that somewhere in the Cantina the supposed, infamous Talon Karrade, was here but I didn’t care, I wasn’t a big fan of his. I remember it all like it was yesterday. Meeshka and I got our first break that day, we sat down with our glasses of utozz, an expensive drink imported to this world from somewhere in the corrila system. We were sitting down sipping our drink, when all of the sudden, Meeshka asked me, “So do you have a big family?”
Taken a little back from the change of normal conversation, I calmly replied, “My parents died when my twin brother, named Qjoshen, and I were 18. When we were five, we saw two homeless children wandering the street, and our parents ended up taking them in as their own. They were named Qtina, and Quentin. We later found out that they were also twins, born on the same date therefore we were all the exact same age.”
Clearly interested with this, Meeshka asked, “Where are they all now?”
“My family is almost all gone. My parents were reporters for the Corrila Times, and died in a shuttle crash. An unknown assassin killed Qtina. And my brother Quentin, still is a Bounty Hunter for the Bounty Hunters guild.” I said.
“But what happened to your first brother, you know, Qjoshen?” Asked Meeshka.
I had honestly been hoping she would not have mentioned him, as I had been hiding that story for a long time. As I look back now, I see that I could have chosen not to tell her, but it seems it was a lot better that I did.
I smiled, “Qjoshen was my closest friend.” I said. “He and I always played everything together and had a lot of fun.” The smile faded “But when we reached the age of 18 and our parents died everything changed. He became paranoid and promised me he wouldn’t ever let anyone get hurt again if he could help it and that it was our duty to protect people. I told him that we had no experience with that kind of stuff and it was crazy but he ignored me and left. That was the last time I ever saw him face to face.”
“Is he still alive?” asked Meeshka
“No” I said “I was able to know most of what happened to him through holo-messages.”
“What happened to him?” Asked Meeshka
“Well” I said. “He started with the planet Kashyyyke the home of the Wookies when he went exploring the planet and found a gate to a place called the “dead forest”. It was, as described He went through it and found a small group of Wookies in a small grass hut village calling themselves the Kerritamba. When he talked to the chief and found out about a group of people calling themselves the Sayomori and trying to enslave them. He promised to help them.”
“I’ve heard of the Wookies.” Said Meeshka “My husband says their very big and skilled fighters. If they can’t handle the Sayomori how could your brother?”
“I thought the same thing when he sent a holo-gram picture of one but he seemed to do it anyways.” I said.
“Well go on what happened?” asked Meeshka.
“He did what he said he would do but it wasn’t easy.” I said. “He first had to enter their part of the forest standing guard there was Cyrans the unfeeling, the Sayomori’s greatest warrior. Qjoshen and Cyrans both got into a huge sword fight. Qjoshen was unable to use a sword as well but was very agile and was able to dodge most all of the attacks accept for a pretty bad cut on his arm. He got a very lucky strike on Cyrans chest and was able to defeat him. He moved forward and started killing the minor warriors but when reaching the queen he found a difficult challenge. She was a former leader of the Nightsister’s a group of force sensitive women bent on using cruel and unusual rituals and magic. She was the toughest thing he had ever imagined at that point he lost his left arm in the fight but was able to defeat her he sent a message to the Kerritamba and quickly was quickly sent further into the forest into a cave where a group of wookies lived called the Myyydrill the Myyydrill had a cybernetic specialist who attached a silver cybernetic arm for him to be able to still use it he quickly recovered but that was far from the end of his adventure.”
“Amazing.” said Meeshka. “Your brother did all that?”
“Yes.” I replied. “But like I said that was far from the end.”
“Well.” said Meeshka “What happened next?
“Well” I said. “He was healed in a week and seemed to be ok he was thanked greatly by the Kerritamba and was awarded with their highest honor. They deemed him their blood hunter or champion. He was back to fighting form in three more days and was ready to leave when he heard a rumor of someone building a machine at the bottom of the cave that could destroy the planet. He learned more about it and decided it was his way to repay them for the work they did on his arm to help them in return. He went down to the bottom of the cave and learned that the cave was covered in these giant spider creatures called Urnsor’is. They were pink and purple with glowing blue eyes they were also about four times the size of him. Luckily they weren’t very smart and he easily got to the end of the cave. Once there he was brought inside and met Truen Lorn a mad scientist creating the machine but before he could stop him he turned on the machine and then awoke one very tall machine that was black and white he was made of extremely strong metal with claws for arms and legs he looked like a droid but moved like a human he also carried a double bladed red lightsaber the weapon used by the old sith he was called by Truen Lorn NK Necrosis. With him were two old very beaten up looking droids with glowing red eyes and a glowing red chest the rest of them were blue. They also held electrical staffs so they could electrocute their opponent.
They were called NK-3’s”
“How did he stand a chance?” asked Meeshka.
“He didn’t alone.” I said. “He learned that taking out the eyes and chest with his sword destroyed the NK-3’s but when trying to use the sword on NK Necrosis his lightsaber went right through it and badly sliced my brother in the chest. Just when it seemed hopeless the Kerritamba and the Myyydrill both had arrived to help. NK Necrosis was much stronger then them all but when concentrating on the Wookies he completely forgot about Qjoshen. He grabbed one of the NK-3’s electrical staffs and stab NK Necrosis in the back with it. It short-circuited his main frame and he shut down. He had right then saved the planet but the wound was to bad to treat he died the next day."
"Thats terrible." said Meeshka.
"Yes but at least he died doing what he wanted to do most helping people in need." I said. "I think if he had the choice to do it all again he wouldn't change a thing.
If you could give me some comments on what i could improve on it would be very much appreciated
Good story try to read aloud your story you have a couple of Run-On sentences as well as some grammar errors
I liked how the story somehow describes you and your passion for starwars
A bit full of star wars... a few grammar errors with dialogue. If Meeksha says, "That's terrible," there should be no period inside the quotes. You should use a comma instead. It should be written like this: "That's terrible," Meeksha said.
The Cantina had been booming that day. The lights and fog effects for the entertainers were more amazing then on our usual Friday rush. We hadn’t had any shootings today, and no drunken customers, not even an imperial and a rebel getting into a fight. The lights were rainbow colored, sparkling across the building. The fog was a steamy mixture of green and red. Today, for some reason, the entertainers were using holograms lasers and fire to entertain everyone. There was a rumor, that somewhere in the Cantina the supposed, infamous Talon Karrade, was here but I didn’t care, I wasn’t a big fan of his. I remember it all like it was yesterday. Meeshka and I got our first break that day, we sat down with our glasses of utozz, an expensive drink imported to this world from somewhere in the corrila system. We were sitting down sipping our drink, when all of the sudden, Meeshka asked me, “So do you have a big family?”
Taken a little back from the change of normal conversation, I calmly replied, “My parents died when my twin brother, named Qjoshen, and I were 18. When we were five, we saw two homeless children wandering the street, and our parents ended up taking them in as their own. They were named Qtina, and Quentin. We later found out that they were also twins, born on the same date therefore we were all the exact same age.”
Clearly interested with this, Meeshka asked, “Where are they all now?”
“My family is almost all gone. My parents were reporters for the Corrila Times, and died in a shuttle crash. An unknown assassin killed Qtina. And my brother Quentin, still is a Bounty Hunter for the Bounty Hunters guild.” I said.
“But what happened to your first brother, you know, Qjoshen?” Asked Meeshka.
I had honestly been hoping she would not have mentioned him, as I had been hiding that story for a long time. As I look back now, I see that I could have chosen not to tell her, but it seems it was a lot better that I did.
I smiled, “Qjoshen was my closest friend.” I said. “He and I always played everything together and had a lot of fun.” The smile faded “But when we reached the age of 18 and our parents died everything changed. He became paranoid and promised me he wouldn’t ever let anyone get hurt again if he could help it and that it was our duty to protect people. I told him that we had no experience with that kind of stuff and it was crazy but he ignored me and left. That was the last time I ever saw him face to face.”
“Is he still alive?” asked Meeshka
“No” I said “I was able to know most of what happened to him through holo-messages.”
“What happened to him?” Asked Meeshka
“Well” I said. “He started with the planet Kashyyyke the home of the Wookies when he went exploring the planet and found a gate to a place called the “dead forest”. It was, as described He went through it and found a small group of Wookies in a small grass hut village calling themselves the Kerritamba. When he talked to the chief and found out about a group of people calling themselves the Sayomori and trying to enslave them. He promised to help them.”
“I’ve heard of the Wookies.” Said Meeshka “My husband says their very big and skilled fighters. If they can’t handle the Sayomori how could your brother?”
“I thought the same thing when he sent a holo-gram picture of one but he seemed to do it anyways.” I said.
“Well go on what happened?” asked Meeshka.
“He did what he said he would do but it wasn’t easy.” I said. “He first had to enter their part of the forest standing guard there was Cyrans the unfeeling, the Sayomori’s greatest warrior. Qjoshen and Cyrans both got into a huge sword fight. Qjoshen was unable to use a sword as well but was very agile and was able to dodge most all of the attacks accept for a pretty bad cut on his arm. He got a very lucky strike on Cyrans chest and was able to defeat him. He moved forward and started killing the minor warriors but when reaching the queen he found a difficult challenge. She was a former leader of the Nightsister’s a group of force sensitive women bent on using cruel and unusual rituals and magic. She was the toughest thing he had ever imagined at that point he lost his left arm in the fight but was able to defeat her he sent a message to the Kerritamba and quickly was quickly sent further into the forest into a cave where a group of wookies lived called the Myyydrill the Myyydrill had a cybernetic specialist who attached a silver cybernetic arm for him to be able to still use it he quickly recovered but that was far from the end of his adventure.”
“Amazing.” said Meeshka. “Your brother did all that?”
“Yes.” I replied. “But like I said that was far from the end.”
“Well.” said Meeshka “What happened next?
“Well” I said. “He was healed in a week and seemed to be ok he was thanked greatly by the Kerritamba and was awarded with their highest honor. They deemed him their blood hunter or champion. He was back to fighting form in three more days and was ready to leave when he heard a rumor of someone building a machine at the bottom of the cave that could destroy the planet. He learned more about it and decided it was his way to repay them for the work they did on his arm to help them in return. He went down to the bottom of the cave and learned that the cave was covered in these giant spider creatures called Urnsor’is. They were pink and purple with glowing blue eyes they were also about four times the size of him. Luckily they weren’t very smart and he easily got to the end of the cave. Once there he was brought inside and met Truen Lorn a mad scientist creating the machine but before he could stop him he turned on the machine and then awoke one very tall machine that was black and white he was made of extremely strong metal with claws for arms and legs he looked like a droid but moved like a human he also carried a double bladed red lightsaber the weapon used by the old sith he was called by Truen Lorn NK Necrosis. With him were two old very beaten up looking droids with glowing red eyes and a glowing red chest the rest of them were blue. They also held electrical staffs so they could electrocute their opponent.
They were called NK-3’s”
“How did he stand a chance?” asked Meeshka.
“He didn’t alone.” I said. “He learned that taking out the eyes and chest with his sword destroyed the NK-3’s but when trying to use the sword on NK Necrosis his lightsaber went right through it and badly sliced my brother in the chest. Just when it seemed hopeless the Kerritamba and the Myyydrill both had arrived to help. NK Necrosis was much stronger then them all but when concentrating on the Wookies he completely forgot about Qjoshen. He grabbed one of the NK-3’s electrical staffs and stab NK Necrosis in the back with it. It short-circuited his main frame and he shut down. He had right then saved the planet but the wound was to bad to treat he died the next day."
"Thats terrible." said Meeshka.
"Yes but at least he died doing what he wanted to do most helping people in need." I said. "I think if he had the choice to do it all again he wouldn't change a thing.
If you could give me some comments on what i could improve on it would be very much appreciated
Good story try to read aloud your story you have a couple of Run-On sentences as well as some grammar errors
I liked how the story somehow describes you and your passion for starwars
A bit full of star wars... a few grammar errors with dialogue. If Meeksha says, "That's terrible," there should be no period inside the quotes. You should use a comma instead. It should be written like this: "That's terrible," Meeksha said.